Dishwasher from Hell
A Forbidden Magics Short Story
The tool shed was unlocked like always, and implements of destruction gleamed cheerfully in the darkness. Chris walked in and grabbed a couple of yard tools and walked back out.
“Why are we here again?” Daniel asked, “And why is the shovel shiny? That’s just wrong.”
“We are here because in about twenty minutes a guy named John Bohngers is going to demonstrate his supposedly revolutionary new dishwasher in the metallurgy building. Explosions man, explosions.”
“Uh-huh” Daniel replied obviously lost. Both Daniel and Chris had been friends since they were young. They spent most of their free time getting into trouble by doing things like making homemade bottle rockets, stuffing cats into newspaper dispensers and trying to trick an ATM into giving them money. None of those ventures ended particularly well but, at least they survived growing up.
It seemed a no brainer that both of them would be here trying to earn their degree in alchemy. Alchemy is one the most in demand job fields out there. In a day and age when everyone has a cell phone, everyone has a television, and everyone uses a computer, Alchemists are indispensable. There are different fields of alchemy, and both Chris and Daniel wanted to be alchemical mechanics; because, eventually someone always manages to break the unbreakable, and fixing things is almost as fun as destroying them.
“You think we can jerry-rig a mower to also work as a sprinkler and fertilizer system?” Daniel asked staring at the large riding mower in the back of the shed with longing in his eyes.
“I don’t see why not, you’d just have to time the blades with an oscillating, wait we are not getting side-tracked. We need that bonus money. You need that bonus money. Weren’t you planning on asking your girl Jessica to marry you? You need that cash for a honey moon man. Woooo hoo!”
Daniel stood there in the shed blushing, and trying to act all manly but, then he realized what Chris had said. “What bonus money?” he asked.
“Haven’t you been paying attention these past few weeks? I signed us up for clean-up crew. If we are first responders in a disaster we get a bonus besides hazard pay. It’s easy money man. Easy money.” Daniel just looked the shovel in his hand and looked over at his friend like he was nuts.
Just then a loud explosion came from the direction of the metallurgy building. Both of their cell phones beeped that they had an incoming message but neither of them glanced at it as they rushed off in the direction of the explosion. “Damn Bohngers, he wasn’t supposed to start for another fifteen minutes!” Chris yelled.
“Uh-huh” was Daniel’s response. They got to the building and there was already security blocking the door.
“You gotta let us in.” Chris said, “We’re on clean-up duty.”
“Didn’t you get your text?” the guard asked, “This is a class five disaster. No civilians can be asked to help.” Chris snorted, like a rent-a-cop wasn’t a civilian.
“Class Five? Isn’t that military grade? I thought there was supposed to be a dishwasher demonstration today not weapons.” Daniel glared at his friend. Chris had got things wrong again.
“I can’t tell you guys anything.” The guard replied. Daniel glanced at the text message on his phone. Sure enough it said, Class 5 disaster please be on stand-by for recovery. “We’re on stand-by” Daniel told his friend.
“Great I’ll just stand by this building here and wait for something.” Chris said shoving the prongs of his pitchfork down into the ground and leaning on it to stare petulantly at the security guard. They could hear the fire trucks putting out the blaze on the opposite side of the building. Daniel just shrugged his shoulders looked at his shovel, looked at the ground in front of him, and began to dig.
“Hey what are you doing?” The security guard yelled.
“Digging a hole,” Daniel replied still shoveling dirt.
“You can’t do that it’s against the rules.”
“No it isn’t. Look it up. Class-Five disaster, I am allowed to take whatever precautions needed to keep myself safe. I think digging a hole is a pretty good precaution.” Chris snickered as he watched the security guard call his supervisor and get told the exact same thing that Daniel had told him. Meanwhile he watched the hole get bigger and bigger. Daniel was a one man digging machine.
“How deep you going to make that thing?” Chris asked.
“I don’t know, pretty deep. I’m just lucky the ground isn’t frozen. You wanna help?”
“No I’m having too much fun watching you do all the hard work.” He said laughing. Before he knew it Daniel was in a hole deeper than he was tall, and Chris was pulling him out.
“What was the point of that?” the security guard asked, but then got interrupted by shouts and screams behind him. New flames could be seen in the building behind the security guard and there was a noise like breaking dishes. And then the cause of the disaster came into view. It looked like a cross between Rosie from the Jetsons and a play-boy bunny. It was shooting flames out of its hands at the wall, and making a high pitched screaming noise.
“Is that the dishwasher?” Chris asked in amazement.
“I dunno.” Daniel replied from the far side of his hole.
“She’s kind of hot. Well minus the whole deadly thing but, even that is kind of hot.” The dishwasher woman machine spotted them and turned toward them and started to speed up.
“I HATE MEN,” it screamed in a strangely unemotional electronic voice, “DO YOUR OWN DAMN DISHES.”
“Okay, that’s not so hot.” Chris said and dove out the way to the right. The security guard dove to the left and Daniel ran backwards out of the reach of the approaching flames. The creature ran straight for Daniel, not noticing the massive hole in front of it.
Almost as if in slow motion, she fell into the hole head first. The head fell off, so it had gone silent but, it was still shoot flames out of its hands. Luckily it was shooting into nothing but the dirt.
“Take out the battery!” Daniel yelled. Chris ran forward and looked for the battery device that was on all alchemical devices. This one was directly on the things ass that was sticking up in the air.
“Oh well.” Chris said and shove the pitch-fork into the battery pack. Yellow fluid spilled out of the battery pack, sparking at it hit electrical components. The flames sputtered and died out completely.
“Yup,” Daniel said, “That just happened” and walked over and gave Chris a high-five.
“How did you know it was going to come out here and fall in the hole?” The security guard asked dumbfounded.
“I didn’t” Daniel responded, “I just like digging holes.” A fire-fighter rushed out of the building and shook both Daniel and Chris’s hand.
“Good job” he told them, “I’ll make sure you guys get hazard pay with school, along with a commendation for bravery. I you boys ever need a job, look up the Baytown Fire Department. I will personally give you a recommendation.”
A nerdy looking guy with a large forehead came running out of the building, “Kirsten, NOOO!” he yelled and fell on his knees sobbing in front of the broken machine.
“Who is this?” Daniel asked.
“That is John Bohngers, a guy who is too smart for his own good.” Chris replied. He picked up his pitchfork, and Daniel picked up his shovel and they walked off into the distance.
“Hey Chris.” Daniel said holding up the dirty shovel, “Now this is what a shovel is supposed to look like.”
ha ha ha! That was awesome and amusing. Makes me very interested in the universe it came from. :-)
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