Warning this blog post may be kind of depressing, and full of a little too much candor.
Like most every young girl I dreamed of falling in love, getting married, and starting a family. However, as the years go on this dream is becoming more and more unlikely. Years of being single, and refusing to compromise on things like falling in love BEFORE sex, or pretending to be someone I'm not, have left me a strange 30 year old virgin. I tend to joke that I'm too much of a bad girl for the church boys and too much of a good girl for the bar crowd boys. But as the saying goes; half in jest, in all seriousness. A lot of my friends say the reason I'm not with someone is that I am too balanced, so my other half is not going to be as obvious.
But to be completely honest, if I wanted to be married by now I could be. It's not like I haven't had offers (albeit those where on the first dates and kind of creepy). I want to be in love before I am married. I am not going to go out and marry a man just because he asks me. And yes, I do think I would have to be attracted to a man emotionally, physically, and mentally before I could fall in love with him. That being said I have told a guy that I loved him to disastrous results. He told me that he was attracted to me physically but he could never love me. It was kind of heart wrenching, I told myself over and over again that there was something wrong with me that I was incapable of being loved. Not a good place to be mentally.
Although lately I've been thinking what the heck is my problem? What is with the pity party. Do I need to be married to be happy? The answer is no. I can live out the rest of my life single and still be content. On the flip-side there is nothing wrong with dreaming of a fantasy wedding, millions of girls and women do it everyday. Heck there is a whole cable channel dedicated to it. Is it healthy? Probably not, in a way it's like porn for guys, serves no real purpose and only leaves me vaguely satisfied and is in it's own way addicting and leaves me with unrealistic expectations.
I am still going to dream though, that maybe there is a guy out there that shares my morals, and my geekiness. Or if he doesn't share them he may just understand them. Either way it's not something I'm going to worry about. I will daydream about weddings and think of fun creative things but, I will not plan one. Especially when I am single. That is just creepy.
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